I Cried Today...

Photo by Shawnee Unruh

I cried today. For the first time in a long time, I gave in and broke down. (Well, a long time for me anyways). I cried multiple times for various reasons...the biggest one being that I cried in front of my daughter for the first time. I always promised myself that I wouldn't let her see me that way because it would demonstrate weakness. Unfortunately, it was too much. It all piled up and my emotions got the best of me.

When I woke up, it was like every ounce of hope left my body. It was like a shining star on a cloudy evening---providing guidance, but still distant and seemingly unattainable. Before I could get a handle on it, I covered my face and the tears came falling down. It was unavoidable and inevitable. Stress and anxiety both took over. 

First, I cried because of stress. Now, I know what you're thinking, how can a stay-at-home mom be stressed? Well, I'm glad you asked. You see, being a stay-at-home mom is fantastic until you find yourself searching for ways to ease the financial load on your significant other. Every day you wake up, hoping to find something flexible (or in today's world, a work from home job); but after a year of trying, and receiving rejection letter after rejection letter, you start to wonder if you will ever possess the qualifications to get back into the workforce.

Even though I know that I'm contributing in other ways, I still feel the need to do more. It's hard not to feel like a financial burden when your partner carries the weight 100%. Although this stretch of unemployment is not permanent, it's still a tough trial. I know that my worth is not solely based on monetary value---but it certainly helps. 

Next, I cried because I lost my patience when Stormee lost her patience. I gave her the wrong cup. She wanted her Paw Patrol cup, and I gave her the Frozen one instead. She threw a tantrum. I yelled. I thought, "she knows better. It's not that big of a deal". Then I looked in the mirror and cried some more. 

I cried even harder because I felt guilty...guilty for losing my patience...guilty for crying in front of my daughter...guilty for complaining about life...and guilty because I missed the old me. The old me was financially independent. The old me didn't second guess spending $100 on groceries or driving to another town to visit friends and go shopping. But that's when the reality set in that the old me didn't have all of the responsibilities that I do now. I'm now a nurturer, a mother, and, in Stormee's eyes, a safe space. The old me grew up and evolved into the new me. 

So, what happened? You guessed it---I cried some more. I cried because I realized, right before my eyes, she is growing up; and man is she growing up fast--just like I did in front of my mom... and she did in front of my grandma...and so on. I stopped crying for all the wrong reasons and began crying for all the right reasons (the happy reasons). 

I cried because, when I wake up, I get to see her smiling face every morning. I get to eat breakfast with her, watch Paw Patrol---on repeat, and play peek-a-boo with her. 

I cried because I get to attend play dates with her and watch her make new friends. (I mean, who wouldn't want to be her friend? She's cute, has the biggest personality, and loves to show her silly side). 

I cried because, at the end of a long day, I get to read her bedtime stories and tuck her in at night. 

I cried because I get to be my own boss...well, sort of. ;) I can take lunch breaks whenever and wherever I want with my best friend. I get to take naps when she does, and I get to explore the world with her. 

I cried because I get to watch her learn and grow. Her first steps...her first words...her first solid foods...and first time traveling.... I've been with her through it all. 

I cried because I get to be her safe space. When she's scared, she looks for mama. When she's sad, she comes running for a hug from mama. When she's happy she has to show mama. And, when she's angry---well, you know she gets to throw her tantrums in front of mama. 

So, yes, I may not be working outside the home. I may not have to carry the financial load. I may not have the most physically demanding job. I may have my bad days, but among the bad I have to find the good. The good being that I get to watch my baby grow. I get to be the first person she runs to and trusts. And, in the midst of all this realization, I was brought back to reality by the sweet sound of "mama" and a kiss on the cheek (for the first time ever) by my sweet, precious, beautiful girl. And through it all, I came to the understanding that my best accomplishment is that I get to be her mom. So, we moved forward with our day. 

And, yes, I cried some more (grateful tears). 

-The Brave Mom