11.18.2021: The Day My Life Changed Forever

Photo by: Destinee Jensen Photography

November 18, 2021.....the day my life changed forever; changed for the better. I remember being so scared of what labor would be like. The unknown has always been terrifying to me; but I knew I had to do it. God wouldn't bring this baby into my life if I wasn't cut out for it. He was right, I was made to be a mom and I'm so thankful he did it on his timing and not mine. Even if that time was at 3:30 in the morning.

I remember it like it was yesterday. The last few weeks of my pregnancy, Riley was working in Bismarck, ND (where we lived at the time). It was comforting to know that he would be close by just in case I went into labor early.    However, my doctor thought it would be unlikely that I had her before my due date. Then, just when I thought I was prepared for my sweet baby girl's arrival, he (Riley) got called out to Montana for work---just eight days before my due date. 

It wouldn't have bothered me as much, but we lived in North Dakota; and let's just say, they don't call it the "frozen tundra" for no reason. The weekend before our entire state had shut down due to a blistering storm that came rolling in. There was no travel advised from the Montana border all the way to the Minnesota border. My fear was that this would happen and Riley would miss the birth of his first, and possibly only, child. 

Then on Wednesday, November 17th, I received a phone call that Riley would be coming home that night. I breathed a sigh of relief. Thankfully he made it home safe and sound and we enjoyed what would be our last night as a family of two. It's a good thing he made it when he did, because less than 12 hours later, we were on our way to the hospital to welcome our new addition.

At 3:30 am I woke up with a sharp pain in my lower back and stomach. I thought, "there's no way I'm having contractions....these have to be braxton hicks"; but they weren't. I crawled out of bed and tried taking a bath. That didn't work. I tried drinking a glass of water and taking some deep breaths. That didn't work either. Reluctantly (mainly because I came to the realization that I could ACTUALLY be in labor), I called the hospital. Finally, at 5:30 AM, I told Riley it was time. 

As we approached the hospital I called to let the nurse's know I was coming in. Only to find out that I was going through prodromal labor. For those who don't know what this is, the best way I can describe it without going into detail, it's false labor. Meaning it feels like real labor, but the contractions don't get stronger or closer together. 

After a few hours, I made enough progress to confirm that I was going to be having this baby. I looked at Riley and when I say his was as white as the hospital wall, I mean it. Part of the reason being that he had yet to pack his hospital bag---even though I vaguely recall telling him when I was 36 weeks that the baby could come any day. (But we will save that conversation for another time). The other part being that he had seen another guy come out of a delivery room looking like a deer in headlights and that's when reality hit for him that he was going to be a dad in a few hours. 

With that being said, he actually did really well in the delivery room. After thirteen hours of labor and 2 of pushing we had our beautiful girl in our arms. Looking back I want to cry tears of joy whenever I think of this day because it changed our lives in so many ways and for the better; but in that moment, I was struggling to grasp what had happened. It wasn't pure shock, but rather the onset of post-partum anxiety for me. 

I got so caught up in  the what if scenarios that I began to question if I was really going to be able to keep this tiny human healthy. I was so scared that I would do something wrong. I was so focused on what could go wrong that I failed to envision what would go right. That's the one thing that I would change about my story---is that I would go back and be more present, positive, and confident in my abilities to be  a parent. Rookie mistake I guess.

Speaking of rookie mistakes---her dad and I made one the very first night we were home. Stormee had her days and nights mixed up and we failed miserably at trying to get her to go to sleep and stay asleep. In fact, we were so bad at it that we both only got 30 minutes of sleep that night. Why? Because we were new parents and failed to realize that two outnumbers one. We didn't sleep in shifts! Thankfully, we caught on and got three hours apiece the next night. 

In fact, I remember waking up from my shift, walking out into the living room only to find that our daughter was sleeping soundly while her dad was working out. When asked why he was doing this, he responded by saying that he couldn't get Stormee to sleep so he drank an energy drink to keep himself awake---only to realize that she finally fell asleep and he was wired. I know, what were we thinking? But, in that moment we were just trying to figure things out and survive. 

There are so many more sleepless nights and countless memories that I could share, but I won't. As time progressed, we got the hang of this whole 'parenting' thing. And, with a little bit of help and medication, I got my anxiety under control. Now that I could finally enjoy being a new mom, I didn't mind those sleepless nights and late night feeding sessions. 

It sounds crazy, but sometimes, I actually miss waking up at 3 AM to snuggle and feed her. I miss the sounds of her baby brezza at night making her bottle. I miss her infant cries for mama and her baby giggles. I guess I can thank snapchat memories for keeping those for me. But, the truth of the matter is, she will never be as little as she is now. And that makes me sad, but also proud. Sad because, as she grows more independent, I fear she won't need her mama anymore. But also proud because I look at how far she's come---and how far I've come as a mom. From being consumed by my anxiety to her crushing milestones like eating solids, walking, clapping, babbling, etc. I'm so thankful for this journey. It wasn't always easy. It was intimidating, hard, and a major adjustment---but I'm so thankful to have my sweet baby girl. 

She looks so much like her daddy and dances like her mama. Her beautiful blue eyes sparkle like no other and her smile lights up a room. She's goofy and loves to make new friends. There's so much I have yet to learn as a mother, but boy have we moved mountains together already. Since becoming her mom, she has been my rock and my purpose. She truly is her daddy's girl and her mommy's world. We've been through this so much already in this short life together, but I wouldn't trade it for the world. I don't know what the future holds, but I do know that the date 11.18.2021 will forever be engraved in my heart.

I love you Stormee girl. Thank you for being you and thank you for choosing me to be your mama. 

 Sincerely,

The evolving mama!