An Open Letter to My Mom

 

Photo By: Destinee Jensen Photography

Dear Mom,

When I was younger, I took the things you did for me for granted. It wasn't until I became a mom that I truly understood the sacrifices you made for your family; and I'm sincerely apologetic for that. There is nothing that I could ever say that will one-hundred percent make up for the times I argued with you or talked back to you. There is no amount of I'm Sorry, I Love You's, or Thank You's to express my deepest gratitude for you and your unconditional love...but I'm going to try. 

Let me begin by saying that having you as my mother set a perfect example of how to be a mom, myself. Good moms make sacrifices for their children whether we are ready or not. Over the past year, I have learned what it takes to forfeit your time, money, hobbies, and job for someone else's needs. You did the exact same thing when my brother and I were younger. As a stay-at-home mom, myself, I now realize that you gave up the things that made you who you were before we were born.

You left college early to start your family and taught us that a mother's love heavily outweighs the world's expectations. You gave up a college experience to take care of us and live the rancher's lifestyle with dad (which is a sacrifice in itself). The lifestyle of a rancher's wife and stay at home mom is not for the faint of heart. It's very demanding, exhausting, and unpredictable, but you've done it---and I'm so grateful you did. 

I'm sure there were trying times between calving season and toddler tantrums that you wanted to throw in the towel, but you didn't. There were definitely times where you stayed up all night with sick kids; and, when you weren't rocking us to sleep, making us soup, or cleaning up after us, you were constantly checking on us in the middle of the night. I now, know what it's like to rock a sick kid to sleep, to comfort her when she needs it, and to not be able to sleep while she sleeps. 

And, I KNOW there were times when you REALLY wanted to throw in the towel after hearing the toy box be dumped out all over the floor for the ten thousandth time in a day. In fact, I've learned that it really doesn't pay to pick it up until after Stormee goes to sleep because she's never actually done playing with it. Also, it's very defeating when you have a full house to clean during the day. Nonetheless, you still took the time to play with us and encouraged our imagination. I'm sure you had much better things to do than watch Lion King for the tenth time that day, or play Barbies, Bratz, or Polly Pockets; but you never made it feel like it was a problem. Twenty plus years later, I can look back and say that my mom didn't just shove a screen in my face and walk away; instead, she took the time to teach me through hands on play time and activities.

Looking back that time means more to me now than I ever thought it could. As a mom in a world driven by technology, it's easy to get caught up in other things like phones and laptops. But, your example serves as my constant reminder to pause, step away from screen, and spend quality time playing with Stormee. The first year has already flown by so fast with her that I can't even imagine how fast the next three will go. I realize that encouraging creativity and problem solving through active play time is so crucial at her age and that the time I do have with her is fleeting. Eighteen years from now, I want my daughter to look back and say that her mom was present and took the time out to make her feel loved. 

You chose to forfeit your time and spare income to raise two kids. You sacrificed evenings with your friends to read us bedtime stories and tuck us in. And, you spent yours and dad's hard-earned money so that we could have Christmas and Birthday presents that some kids only dream of. I'm sure it was difficult, but you never let us know that. Thank you for enduring those tough years for us. 

As we grew older, we became involved with our friends and extra-curricular activities. You were not only our mother, but also our driver and biggest cheerleader. All the time you put into driving us to our camps, tournaments, games, and dance performances added up quickly over time, but you never complained. You spent countless hours doing my hair and makeup for dance; and you never skipped recording a basketball game. Thank you for your time. Thank you for being your kids' biggest fan.

Along with the sacrifices comes worry. All parents know that. Being the accident-prone child, I'm sure I tested this theory to the max. I remember rolling my eyes every time you'd tell me to "drive careful" or "watch for deer". It seemed impossible...until I rolled my car. As a teen, your worrisome thoughts seemed irrational; but, as a mom, they are all too real. Each day I wake up and worry about the "what ifs" (some of which is just my anxiety talking). I know it'll be extremely difficult one day when Stormee becomes more independent. I now realize that all you wanted to do was keep us safe without totally keeping us in a bubble. Thank you for being my safe space. 

As we grow older, I'm sure the worrying doesn't stop. It just evolves. For example, when you become a grandma, I'm sure you worry about your grandbabies the same way you worried about us. You worry about the world they will grow up in. Will they be healthy? When did they eat last? Did they fall and bump their head? As much as you may want to intervene at times, you allow me to learn firsthand what it takes to be a mom; and, you let Stormee explore things on her own---even when I'm sure you would love to follow her everywhere, you know, just in case she falls or cries. You make time to play with her, feed her, snuggle her, and Facetime her. You even drove thirteen hours just to celebrate her first birthday. Because of you, Stormee will grow up knowing what it's like to have two wonderful grandmas that care so dearly for her. And I can't even put into words how much I love you for that. Thank you for being a fantastic grandma to my baby girl. 

There's so much more that I would love to say, but I'll save that for a later date. Just know that, even though we are now hours apart, you are still important to us. Everything that you did for us does not go unnoticed. You taught me how to work hard, how to take care of a home, and, most importantly, how to be a good mother. Thank you for being you. 

Sincerely,

Shawnee

Mom, left, at age 3 and Me, right, at age 3. Photo on the right is by Rod's Studio

Mom and I after college graduation in 2018.

Mom and Stormee after her 1st birthday