To the Stay-At-Home Mom
Others who have never done it, assume the grass is much greener on our side of the fence. They're also the first to remind you of how grateful you should be. They always say, "must be nice to stay home all day" or "I would get so much housework done if I were you". These people fail to understand that with great reward come hardships. Everybody is fighting their own battles each and every day. This isn't meant to bash any working moms---I don't envy them as they wear many hats and work extremely hard both at home and on the job. Rather, the purpose of this post is to end the negative stigma surrounding the title "stay-at-home-mom".
As a stay-at-home, your emotions often get confused as being lazy, entitled, or unappreciative; but that couldn't be further from the truth. You see, when you become a stay-at-home mom your purpose changes. The things that made you who you were before---your job, schoolwork, hobbies, social life, even self-care-- takes a backseat to the needs of your baby. You no longer live on a two-income household. You no longer get to go out with friends whenever you want. Your old routine is a thing of the past now.
This is not to say that you shouldn't spend time with or take care of your child's needs first; but you need to remind yourself that your wants and needs matter too. Be sure to make time for yourself because your kids deserve a happy mama. If you don't, depression and anxiety may sneak in--and you can easily lose yourself in its wrath.
This is especially true if your significant other travels a lot for work (like mine). My boyfriend works at least 60-80 hours a week out of town--sometimes in another state for an extended period of time. Sometimes we don't even know when he will be back home--it could be a week, a month, or even three months---leaving me to hold down the fort. If this is your lifestyle, you each make difficult sacrifices. You surrender your spare income to stay home while he surrenders time with your kid(s). In doing this, you both realize that money isn't everything and time is precious. However, both are necessary at this stage of life. It's all a part of the job whether we like it or not. In the end, you make these changes to ensure the best possible life for your child(ren).
Time and money aren't the only things you forfeit, but also your social life. Adult interaction becomes practically obsolete when you stay home. This can lead to an overwhelming sense of isolation. It's inevitable when your main source of communication is playing peek-a-boo, watching paw patrol on repeat, and arguing with your toddler about what color cup you should give them at mealtime.
Lacking adult interaction can lead to feeling socially awkward---making it extremely hard to make new friends. You think to yourself, "Should I approach that mom sitting alone on the park bench? Maybe I'll introduce myself and we can schedule a playdate?" But then you think, "Nevermind, she's probably busy anyways". Finally, you muster up the courage to introduce yourself. You step outside of your comfort zone and agree to schedule a play date in the future.
The day you were looking forward to finally arrives. Adult interaction is on the horizon! But then something happens...something ALWAYS happens. Your child gets sick, you get sick, or your toddler is having a meltdown. Suddenly that spark of energy fades and you no longer have the desire to get yourself ready or pack a diaper bag. Your toddler is adamant that she'd rather not get dressed and she'd rather play with the empty water bottle she found on the floor. You consider cancelling, but you NEED this just as much as your kid(s)...maybe even more. So, what do you do?
The overthinking commences. You don't want to cancel because that's flakey and you were really looking forward to this. (Unless you or your child is sick---it's not worth spreading the germs. Trust me she will understand in this case). But you also don't want to load up a car with a cranky child, screaming the entire way to your destination. A screaming child in a small space can be very overstimulating for both of you.
It's too much at once. Finally, you lose your patience. The smallest inconvenience makes you snap. Intense mom-guilt sets in because you yelled at your kid(s). It makes you stop and think "Why did I do that---I shouldn't have yelled". You begin to cry. Later that night, after you tuck your kid(s) into bed, you reflect and keep replaying the scene in your head. "I should have held it together. They don't understand and crying is the way they communicate. Am I a terrible mother?"
I'm here to tell you that no you are not. You are human. You are allowed to feel upset at times. You are allowed to break down and cry. It doesn't make you weak. The fact that you wake up every single day and do the dang thing regardless of the obstacles that life throws at you---whether it'd be bills, depression, lack of socialization, time away from your spouse, illness, etc.--makes you one tough mother (no pun intended).
Moms are a different breed. Stay-at-home moms are a different breed. Every day you wake up searching for a way to improve your child's life and ensure they are happy and healthy. You are not just a maid---although at times, it does feel like it. You are much more because you take on multiple roles as a chauffeur, chef, teacher, best friend, and--- most importantly--- a good mother. You set the tone and lead by example. If you do that every day you have fulfilled your purpose. As long as you wake up to a roof over your head, a healthy child, and a goal to make their life (or lives) better speaks volumes about your will to be a mother. So, give yourself grace mama! You're doing great and things will get easier. I know it gets lonely, tiring, and stressful, but you can do it.
To the stay-at-home mom, I see you. I know you. I am you.
-Shawnee Unruh
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