Love and Loss: Motherhoods Deepest Tragedy

I've debated on making this post for a long time for very obvious reasons. I don't have firsthand experience (thankfully); nor do I have any solid words of wisdom or advice---because no words could ever describe how you're feeling or make up for the gut-wrenching losses you've endured. I'm not here to say, "It will get better with time" because, in all honesty, time doesn't always heal a broken heart. It doesn't replace the child you loved unconditionally, nurtured daily, or poured your heart and soul into. My hope is that, by writing this, I spread awareness to those who think they understand and to let you know that it is ok to grieve your own way. 

I read a quote by Nathalie Himmelrich the other day and it stuck with me. It read, "There is no right way to grieve; there is only your way to grieve and that is different for everyone." Seems pretty basic and simple, right? Then why is it so hard for us outsiders to understand that sometimes, we don't need to say anything, instead, we just need to listen sometimes. When will we understand that it does not matter how much time has passed since a mom has lost her child? Grieving moms are allowed to cry, yell, or break down---and mamas who have experienced a miscarriage, I'm talking to you too. Just because your child was not yet born, does not mean you are completely immune to anxiety, heartbreak, and depression.

Now, as I mentioned before, I have not had this happen to me personally, but I have seen what loss of a child does to friends, co-workers, and even family members. And, every time, I tell them that I'm always there to listen without criticism, judgement, or "advice". Although, I may not understand I just can't bring myself to leave my loved ones to fend for themselves in the face of depression and their mental health. No one should ever have to face that alone. We already live in a dark, scary world. 

Unfortunately, that's part of the problem. We live in a world full of harsh criticism, loud opinions, and the should've, could've, would've mindset. We face enough of that as moms we don't need it when we are in pain, shock, and a state of isolation. The other day, I was scrolling through Facebook (talk about a place filled with harsh criticism and loud opinions) and I saw read this article about a mom who lost her little boy earlier this year---I won't go into detail because it's not my story to share and I respect the families' privacy, but to say I was disgusted by some of the comments was an understatement.

This mom had just lost her child and these people---these strangers, whom have never met this mom in their life, were making all kinds of assumptions about her parenting skills/style. They were degrading her and telling her all the things she should have done. She should have been watching him better. She should have taken him with her to grab her other baby. She shouldn’t have let him out of her sight. Well, maybe those strangers shouldn’t be so quick to make assumptions about someone they have never met before. 

Now, I'm no expert and I don't know this mom personally, but I DO know that it can be challenging, no matter how great of a parent you are, to try and keep eyes on multiple children under the age of 3 all the time 100% of the time. This mom wasn't being abusive, neglectful, or lazy. She simply went to tend to her other child, and her life changed forever in the blink of an eye. Sadly, she is not the first mom to ever go through this type of hurt. 

I know moms who have miscarried, moms who have lost a toddler, a teenager, or young adult child. Regardless of the stage of life, it does not determine the level of agony they are feeling. For instance, I have a friend who has suffered through multiple miscarriages, a friend who gave birth to a stillborn child, and a friend who lost her daughter at the age of 18. They all encountered affliction and sorrow. They all coped differently and still do--and that's ok. But one thing that is the same with them all is the response they get when they share memories and their feelings about the circumstances. 

People tell them that it's time to move on or that they have other children now to take care of. And, yes, although they do have other children to tend to, they still have the freedom to grieve how they need to. You cannot replace the love that they lost. It's unexplainable. It's unimaginable. And no mom ever deserves to go through it. 

Every day, I'm reminded of how grateful I am to have my daughter here with me, Earth-side. I see it in my friends' eyes, on social media, and in the news. Every time I see an article on a school shooting it shatters my heart. The thought that those parents sent their innocent children not knowing that it would be the last time makes me bawl my eyes out. No parent should have to fear their child’s learning environment. No parent should have to wonder what it would have been like to see their child graduate high school, get married or have kids of their own. No parent should have to bury their child. And no parent should be told how to grieve.

There's so much bitterness and uncertainty in this world. But one thing that is for certain is a mother's undying love for her child. So, please, the next time a mother wants to share her fond, cherished memories, let her. The next time she wants to show you a photo of happier times, let her. And the next time she needs to vent, let her. 

Don't tell her "The good die young" or that "God only takes the good ones". She already knows how great her child is---not was---is. Don't make her feel ashamed for sharing her story. She already has a plethora of emotions running through her mind. And please, please, please, don't make assumptions about her. You may be the crutch she needs to lean on to get her through the day. For you, her story is just a moment of your life. For her, one moment changed her life. So please, be patient. Be kind. And be there.