If They Wanted To, They Would...

 “If they wanted to they would…..” 

As 2023 comes to a close, this phrase lingers in my mind. I never really understood it….or maybe it’s just that I didn’t want to. You see, all my life, I’ve been an obsessive people pleaser. I've pushed a lot of my feelings and beliefs aside, just to satisfy those around me. Now, as I approach the end of my 20s, I'm starting to figure it out...I think.

Sure, as a mom, I'm always putting my daughter's needs above my own; but that's not the problem that consumes me every night before bed. What consumes me is worrying about other peoples' perception of me. Am I a good mom all while trying to be a good daughter, sister, aunt, girlfriend, in law, friend, etc.? The answer is...I don't really know, but I'm trying. 

Everyday I try to be the best mom that I can be; but sadly I can't be a better mom until I figure out what's going on mentally. Physically, I am fine. Mentally and emotionally....I'm exhausted. I used to be really good a burying these emotions and opinions, but somewhere along the line, my blunt demeanor got me in trouble and changed my ways. I was told my voice was too loud, that I was too stand-offish, or that I was very rude for expressing my true thoughts. But, somewhere along the lines I have lost myself by forcing that loud voice to quiet down and transfer to an internal monologue. 

And no, this didn't stem from family members nudging me under the table at holidays to stop me in my tracks. Rather it stems from my self-confidence. Ever since I was a kid, embarrassing me was a surefire way to get me to shut up---mainly because I didn't like the thought of others laughing at me (no one does); but I finally got tired of looking like the a**hole when I stood up for myself. I wish I could say that I figured out how to cope with it, but I haven't. Lately I've found comfort in sarcasm and dark humor; but that's only the temporary fix. 

So where did this negative self-esteem come from? Well, I can tell you a few instances that have been contributing factors including previous work experience, dating, and moving away (so basically growing up). Yes, kids, the real world can give you quite the reality check.

The first contributing factor is something called a list of poor decisions called my dating history (yes you can laugh that; and no Riley is not included---he is the exception). In college, I dated this guy. We would make plans. We would go on a date and then....crickets. I'd have to practically beg him to spend time with me. This went on for five months. His big excuse was work. Now, there's absolutely nothing wrong with working hard, but when he lied to me by saying he was at work when he was really out with another girl.....that's when the reality finally hit me. My friends (and mother) tried to tell me, but I would listen. It took him hurting me to finally realize if he wanted to spend time with me he would. If he wanted me to be his girlfriend he's ask. 

So I  moved on. I moved on to someone who was super busy working out of  town, but still made an effort. He wanted to and he did. He would do the little things like call me after work, ask me how my day was, or make plans and keep his promises. Yes, this guy was (and still is) Riley. When asked by the other guy why I moved on, I simply replied with...."I wanted to, so I did". Fast forward and now I have a wonderful boyfriend and beautiful daughter. So, I'm glad I did. 

A couple years down the road, I worked for a company where I was constantly criticized for unrelated things to my job. For example, at my ninety day review, my weakness was that I didn't wear enough makeup. I was told "a little blush and mascara goes a long way" and "we feel our donors won't help us if we don't look the part". It had nothing to do with my punctuality (I was always 10 minutes early). It had nothing to do with my work ethic (I always stayed late to ensure that multiple deadlines were met). And it had nothing to do with improving my career goals (and I had a lot of hope for those). I had a lot of confidence in myself before, but for some reason that evaluation has stuck with me forever. No, this isn't some feminist movement to say that I shouldn't have to wear makeup; but if you're donors are gonna decide to donate to your facility based off of my appearance and not my work ethic, then you need to re-evaluate who your having donate to your cause. 

I was also, "diagnosed" by my supervisor and told that "if you don't do something about it, I'm afraid you'll continue to be miserable for the rest of your life". And yes, I took this to HR---three times to be exact and nothing was done. So, I tried to stick it out. I tried to do more and to be better. I volunteered to take on more work. I asked more questions to clarify instructions and asked for more responsibility to showcase my abilities. I even took over her office for three months while she was gone and my colleagues told her to give me more responsibility because I could handle it. But she didn't want to---so she didn't. So, I left for a place that would value my contributions. When asked by HR why I was taking on a new job I responded by saying "they wanted me to work so they made it happen."

Fast forward to November 18, 2021. The day I became a mom. I remember everyone telling me how they couldn't wait to meet Stormee. Well, now was their chance. Some did, but most didn't. Then came May 2022, we decided to move to Utah. Cue the "friends" saying we want to see you before you leave, we have to keep in touch, we have to come visit you sometime. Again, some did; but a majority still didn't. Talk about finding out who your real friends are---I can think of 4 that actually make an effort to be a part of mine and Stormee's life. I'm very thankful for those four because they still check in and they realize that adult friendships are a two way street. 

Then, here comes the best part, I come back to North Dakota for a visit. They all ask "how come you didn't tell me." Well, I didn't want to so I didn't---or maybe I simply forgot (more than likely the latter, but I'll let them decide). That may sound harsh, but you can't force other people to be in your life; and maybe that's why I have been struggling. Maybe that's why all stay at home moms struggle---because most people just assume we are ok. Most people assume we don't want to socialize, or that we don't want help, or that we don't care. But we do! We do want more friends, we do want support (occasionally), and we do care...Sometimes a little too much. 

If there's one thing I have learned from motherhood and growing up it's that most people are only apart of your life when they want to be or when it serves them. But the good ones, they stick around through thick and thin; near and far. And if you're one of those people, on behalf of all stay at home moms thank you. They are worth the distance and time. They want to so they do.

-Sincerely, 

The growing mama!