Post-Partum Depression & Anxiety: Defeating the Post-Pregnancy "Plague"

1 in 7...that's how many moms struggle with post-partum depression (PPD) and anxiety (American Psychological Association). To some, the disease is non-existent because they cannot physically see it. Unfortunately, this "invisible" disease is a grueling reality for some. Those who are affected by it, struggle on a daily basis. If you are the "1" in 7, you are NOT alone.

For those who don't know, ppd is a medical condition that consists of (but is not limited to) strong feelings of sadness, anxiety, and exhaustion after delivery; but, welcoming new life into the world is one of the biggest blessings we could ever receive---right? Absolutely! So why do so many moms feel this way? As a mom who has been the "1", I wish I could answer this. Science states that PPD and anxiety is due to a dramatic decrease in the hormones estrogen and progesterone (mayoclinic). Now, there is no denying that this fact plays a major role in this gray cloud that hangs over our heads, but it's only one piece of the jigsaw puzzle. 

Think of yourself as the main picture of the puzzle once it is complete. In order to complete this puzzle, we must perfectly match up the pieces. One corner stands for the lifestyle transition from being yourself to becoming a parent. Let's call this one the parenthood corner. The parenthood corner leads us into our second corner called the comparison corner. This consists of self-deprecating internal monologue, negative body image, and lack of motivation. The third corner is grieving. This is where we come to the realization that our identity shifts from one realm to another.  

The three afore-mentioned corners are major factors that lead into the fourth corner...PPD and anxiety. We become so consumed by the outer corners of ourselves that we fail to see the missing centerpieces that can pull us together and make ourselves enjoy life again. Let me explain this in more depth--starting with the first corner. 

The lifestyle transition into parenthood is one most of us have always dreamed of. We dreamed of the day we'd finally meet our precious baby after 40 weeks of anticipation. We dreamed of the snuggles, the baby giggles, and the unconditional love. We dreamed of babies first smile, first steps, and first words. Sounds like a perfect world. But what happens when that dream is met with failed expectations and intrusive thoughts? Suddenly it's no longer a dream, but a nightmare. 

All those previously mentioned expectations don't go as planned. When I first laid eyes on my daughter, I didn't cry tears of joy. Instead, I stared at her blankly. I remember this clearly because, for the longest time, I felt guilty. Guilty for not crying tears of joy, guilty for being sad, guilty for being naive. Like many, I had no idea what I was doing or how I was going to do it. This didn't mean I loved my daughter any less. It just meant I needed more time than I thought to adjust.

Adjustment wasn't the only thing I struggled with; I also dealt with intrusive thoughts. Intrusive thoughts are kind of like irrational thoughts in the sense that they are scary, but the likelihood of them happening is very rare. For example, snuggling my daughter the first few months was nowhere near what I expected. I was scared to hold her because, if I did, I thought I would drop her. Although it was never an intention of mine, just the thought of it was terrifying. 

Another intrusive thought that consumed me was if I left my daughter on the floor the TV mounted on the wall would fall on her. Again, not likely that this would happen, but very paralyzing to think about. These intrusive thoughts often lead to me thinking I was not a good enough mom. Deep down, I knew this wasn't true; but more times than not, I found the self-deprecating thoughts winning this internal battle.

Which leads me to the second corner---comparison. As the intrusive thoughts progressed so did my self-deprecating talk. I would tell myself I wasn't good enough to be Stormee's mom. Slipping into this debate made me lose my motivation to do anything including cooking for myself. My appetite ceased to exist. I wasn't eating enough. I lost 30 lbs instantly because I couldn't workout until my 6 week post-partum checkup. This made my body image tank. Soon, I found myself comparing my body to other girls in the gym (including my old self).

Before I got pregnant, I was in the gym 5 days a week and eating a healthier, balanced diet. I was so proud of who I was becoming. This leads me to corner number three--grieving the old me. I realized that becoming a mom required more sacrifices than I thought. Now that I had a tiny human relying on me, I had less time; and my hobbies often took a backseat to someone else's needs. I missed going out with my friends on the weekends, shopping at the mall by myself, making my own money, and working out on my own schedule. The things that made me who I was before ceased to exist. 

For the longest time I felt selfish for missing the old me. I didn't realize that the old me was evolving into a much better person. The old me was turning into a more refined, dynamic person. I wish I had known that before I let the intrusive thoughts, negative self-talk, and stress take over. So, how did I remove myself from this downward spiral? That's the fourth corner to my puzzle---coping with ppd and anxiety. 

There are several ways to cope with this dreaded disease. For me, a colicky baby and sleep deprivation led me to my wits end. I finally decided to take control and confided in my provider. I was always high strung---even before Storm was born; but, counseling and therapy didn't quite work out for me. She suggested I try anxiety medication. And, so far, it's made all the difference.

Now, I know anxiety medication is accompanied by this negative stigma that "if I have to go on medication, people will think I'm crazy". But that could not be further from the truth. First of all, no one has to know that you are taking medication other than yourself and maybe your significant other. Second, it does not make you crazy, it makes you responsible. You are seeking help--and if you are seeking help, then you are a good mama because you are bettering yourself for your kids. Don't let anyone tell you any different. 

What if counseling and medication doesn't work for you? There are other ways to defeat this monster, I promise. One of the ways I deal with my anxiety is to find new hobbies. Lately I've been into writing for my blog, photography, and crafting. I do these things when Stormee is napping or ask someone to watch her so I can make time for myself. 

Another major hobby that has become a staple for me is going to the gym. The gym is my safe space. It is an escape for my brain. (It's also nice because my gym has a childwatch that allows Stormee to socialize and play with other kids while I take care of my body). Each day we go, both of us end up leaving stress-free and happy. 

So, if you are the "1" like I was, I'm here to tell you it does get better. If me sharing my story doesn't give you a purpose to seek help, then do it for that beautiful tiny human being that admires you each and every day. To them, you are invincible. You are the epitome of strength. And you are their example. So, show this disease who is the boss because your kids are your reason to show up every day. It may not always be perfect, but you are worth it. Show up for them. I've found my missing pieces...it's time to find yours. 

-Sincerely,

The "1" in 7

If you or a loved one are battling with ppd and anxiety, please seek help. You are a great mom. You are important. And you deserve to be heard. 

Please take care of yourself and call the National Postpartum Depression Warmline at 1-800-773-6667.